Don't you send me to vm
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
