For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
