I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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