I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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