she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
