Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Randomize
