Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
