he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
There's always time for handjobs
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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