literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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