Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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