Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
