i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
