Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
