So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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