hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
