Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
