My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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