going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
