I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
