so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
