Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
