how can u be prego again
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
