my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Holy shit dude........stairs
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