I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
well you can't waste a boner
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
