Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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