If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
