I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
