I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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