I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Randomize
