Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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