Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
The beers last night were like the tears from god
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
