You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
