mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
