the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
