im drinking this country out of the recession.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
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