best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
