you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
