I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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