I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
