the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
so let's talk penis.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
