hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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