Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize