Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
