my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize