I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
