I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
