i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
