Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize