i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I wish they made helmets for livers.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
