I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
