My sheets look like a crime scene.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
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