The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
