last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
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