I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
