why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
