we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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