got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Randomize
