Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
