just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
