I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
